Often after people have been married awhile, they notice the “magic” that was once prevalent in their relationship doesn’t burn as brightly. You may feel alone where you once had a best friend. Or maybe you’re “only friends” when you want more romance. Fortunately there is a way to reawake the magic and make her fall in love with you all over again.
But first let me ask, do you really want her to that Do you want her to be your best friend and confident? To always put you first? Do you want to look into the love of your life’s eyes and feel that excitement you once felt at being with her? If you answer yes to these questions, read on!
Now I am not a psychologist, and I haven’t conducted in-depth studies on how to win back your spouse. What I have done is researched romance for dozens of novels I’ve written for over twenty-two years. For those twenty-two years I’ve communicated with readers all over the world who are struggling in their relationships. I have four sisters who are married, most longer than twenty years, two married daughters, and I have been married for nearly thirty years. I’ve learned a little about what women want.
Not going to be easy
A successful marriage is never easy. Not for anyone. There are always ups and downs as you go through adjustment phases. Marriage is probably the hardest thing you’ll ever do. Ever. But when it’s done right, it’ll also be the most rewarding.
To be “done right” you both need to be in love. Silly, crazy, madly in love. If that’s not happening right now, but you want it to, don’t despair! Desire to change is the first thing required to make her fall in love with you all over again. You may just find that she wants the very same thing.
In fact, most of us crave the connection we had in the beginning. But this kind of “remagicking” requires the same kind of commitment we had in the beginning. It’s not backburner stuff. It’s action! It’s doing! Because with very few exceptions, you get back exactly what you put into anything in life.
Real change begins when YOU act and start the wheels rolling. It’s not about making your wife come to your level, or you giving up everything to meet her. It’s both of you trying, and meeting partway. You don’t even have to meet all the way. But since you can’t change your wife, you have to work on it first yourself. You have to change what you’re doing and show her you are sincere, and then she will either meet you partway, or it’ll be clear that you should part ways. Because a relationship does take two people who want to remain in the relationship.
For both husbands and wives
I’ve been in the romance business long enough to know that these steps work both ways, but I’m entitling this post “how to make HER fall in love with you all over again” because I’m a woman, and I have more experience with how women feel and what they want. But if you’re a woman reading this, every one of these steps can also be used to remagic your relationship with your husband too.
Step 1. Put her first
That means first before children, first before your parents, first before your job, first before your neighbors. That means if your spouse really cares about something, you need to try to care about it, or at least try to understand it. It doesn’t mean you give up your hobbies or goals or desires.
Examples of putting her first
If your parents don’t like your wife, you need to tell them that isn’t their place. If children take up so much time that you can’t ever be with your wife alone, figure out a way to change this. Same thing for work. That doesn’t mean you have to change everything you do, but make it clear she is the most important thing in your life.
If she walks into the room, you look up from the TV or computer or car parts—whatever it is you’re doing. You smile and look like you’re happy to see her. You may even reach out and take her hand while she’s talking or pull her in for a hug. She’ll have no doubt that you are listening.
You find out what is important to her. You make sure you’re at important appointments. You are her constant protector and defender. This is the first step that goes hand-in-hand with all the other steps.
Step 2: Don’t expect mind-reading
While some people are sensitive to what a spouse is thinking or feeling, far too many of us are clueless. Your wife cannot read your mind. For instance, even if she may sense that you’re feeling down and try to cheer you up, that doesn’t mean she can read your mind or will always be sensitive to what you want or expect.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought my spouse was thinking one thing, and he was thinking something else altogether. Bottom line, I utterly fail at this. I’ve proven that time and time again. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to make him happy. I definitely do!
Ask for what you need
With mind-reading off the table, you must tell your wife exactly what you need. This doesn’t mean a short comment as you run out the door. Or something said casually in passing. Or something said in a heat of an argument. Too many couples casually insert what they need into a conversation and their spouse has no clue what it really means in the overall noise of life.
It’s best to sit down with your wife and say, “This is really important to me. Very important. And I’m a little nervous to say. But I really need ______.” Make sure she understand the importance and repeat back to you what you’re saying because even words don’t always make sense. Women (and people in general) aren’t stupid or uncaring, they’re human. They miss clues, they forget things. Don’t wait for things to fall apart, suffering in agony, before you finally blow up in anger and frustration.
Therapists say that often people will hold grudges for years, only to finally realize in counseling that they’d never told their spouse what it was that hurt them.
Asking for what you need is hard to do. I know that, I really do. If it’s serious, it puts you in a vulnerable place. But if your relationship is to reach that magic level, you have to expose yourself. Give her the benefit of the doubt. If she loves you even a tiny bit, she’s not going to throw your needs back in your face—as long as she understands what it means to you. This is true for things that are not so serious like keeping the bathroom sink clear of clutter to who is going to initiate sex.
If you are not willing to ask for what you need, it may be impossible to “remagick” your marriage. Again, your wife can’t read your mind. If you need or want something—ask!
Ask your wife what she wants—then listen
Don’t assume you know what your wife wants or needs. Because you are also not a mind reader. (See above entry.) It’s okay to try to be sensitive and anticipate what your spouse wants, but that does not replace regular verbal communication and confirmation. I’m betting that 98% of the time, you will be wrong. You won’t know exactly what she is feeling or what drives her actions. You may come close, but it’s still only a guess. So ask her, and then repeat back to her what you understand. Ask her how important it is to her. You might be completely shocked at what you learn. And asking shows you care.
Remember that when your spouse is telling you something personal, they are exposed and vulnerable just like you are. Don’t take that lightly. Listen carefully, respond verbally and kindly, and remember it for the future. Even write it down if you have to.
Give input
Give input during your discussions. Words like “I don’t know” when trying to solve a problem, or “Whatever you want” generally translate to “I don’t care” or “I just wish you’d go away.” If you are not willing to communicate regularly about your relationship, it may be impossible to “remagick” your marriage.
Step 3: Say hello . . . or goodbye
Let your wife in on your plans before you disappear somewhere. It’s not asking permission, it’s a courtesy both partners should extend to the other. Let your wife know if you’re going to be later than usual getting home. It also gives you the opportunity to express affection with a hug or kiss, or even ask for company (if you’d like some). Most important, it lets her know you’re thinking about her and that she is special to you.
Step 4: Surprise her with . . .
Often it’s the small daily things that mean more to women than anything else. On a Facebook post, I asked people what their significant other did for them that shows love. So many women came back saying something like running a bath, bringing a drink, reaching out for a hug, going to doctor appointments. Simple things that don’t cost money or take much effort but show her she is loved.
My husband once surprised me with a plate of cut fruit in my office, and he will help get our youngest to bed when he sees I’m stressed. He put away all my camping gear when I went camping with my daughter, which made me so grateful. He does other things, like researching and buying things I need or asking me to take a walk. These acts of kindness make me believe he cares.
If you notice your wife is feeling blue, do something special, even if it’s sitting and watching a movie with her or giving her a neck rub. Yes, you should always ask if she’d prefer that you keep everyone out while she sleeps (but usually that’s a man thing and women prefer to have sympathetic company).
Step 5: Express gratitude
Tell your wife thank you if she does something for you—anything. That includes dinner, cleaning up, service for you or your children, or buying a gift. Did you say thanks the last time she left you a note and a treat? Or brought you something to eat? Washed your clothes? The thing is, if you don’t say thank you, you are telling her the effort meant nothing to you. You miss the opportunity to talk. You miss letting her know you noticed that she was trying to say she loves you.
If you miss these chances too many times, not only will the favors diminish, but the connection possibilities disappear—and that’s far more important than whatever she did for you in the first place.
So say thank you at least three times a day. More if you can. And look at her when you say it. Maybe grab her hand for a quick squeeze. Let’s be honest. Too many times we get used to what our spouses do that we expect it. If you take a moment to reflect, you will find something to be grateful for and saying it will open doors.
Step 6: Tell others how wonderful your wife is
One thing I’ve noticed in healthy relationships is the public expression of admiration. Yes, you should also privately tell her you’re proud of her accomplishments, but saying it publicly adds a lot of weight. It lets your wife know you think she’s special enough to brag about. If you aren’t doing this periodically, every time she hears some other man bragging about his wife, she’ll be sad because her husband doesn’t feel the same way about her. She may seem like she doesn’t care, but she does. A lot.
Step 7: The power of two little words
Saying you’re sorry is one of the simplest ways you can stop a fight or reduce hurt feelings. And you must say the words. Buying your wife something or giving her a hug is NOT an apology.
There should also never be any more to an apology than the expression of sorrow and what you perceive that you did. And whatever you plan for restitution or to reduce future occurrences. There should be no “buts” involved. When most people apologize, they say things like, “I’m sorry I did ____, but when you did ____, I got hurt/mad/sad.”
Bad behavior doesn’t excuse other bad behavior. Not ever. Especially because it often will go back to the mind reading thing again. If you didn’t tell your wife something that hurt you, you can’t expect her to know why you’re upset.
Perhaps worse is the “I’m sorry but you have to understand that you’re wrong and I’m right” apology. This is when you say you’re sorry but excuse yourself and place blame on your spouse. So many of my readers have this occurring in their lives. These non-apologies never work but always make things worse. You are not going to convince your spouse that you’re right this way. For more examples on poor apologies, see this article in the Huffington Post.
A sincere apology expresses sorrow for your actions. Period. This isn’t to say that you can’t discuss, perhaps at a later time, what you can do about some issue you’re dealing with, but that isn’t part of an apology. You are sorry or you aren’t.
So when was the last time you said “I’m sorry” to your wife? Actually said the words and meant them? Because too many women can’t remember a time, or remember only one time, when their husbands said a sincere “I’m sorry.”
And you know what? You can say sorry even if you don’t feel you’re the only one at fault, because let’s face it, most of us feel our spouse is at fault for 90% of the problems. But make sure you understand why your spouse is upset and accept responsibility. Be willing to be wrong.
Accept apologies
If your wife offers a sincere apology, be ready to let her know if you forgive her. Or tell her what you need so that you’ll be able to forgive her. Don’t ignore her. She’s trying. You may not be able to forgive her right that minute but recognize she’s making an effort.
Step 8: Don’t speak ill about her
Make sure you’re not speaking ill about your wife. This doesn’t mean that if you are having trouble that you can’t talk to a counselor or to a close friend who are trying to help. But don’t share anything negative with anyone else.
Once in a relationship class my husband and attended, couples were asked to express something about their spouse that they didn’t like (nothing super private, thankfully!). One woman, whose husband wasn’t there that day, refuse to participate, saying that there were things that bothered her, but saying something without her husband there to defend himself was not something she was willing to do. At first that made me roll my eyes, but I changed my mind when my husband expressed that I sometimes left things on the bathroom counter. I was so hurt. Mostly because I was really young but also because I didn’t see it that way at all. To his credit, I’m sure there were a lot worse things he could have shared.
It’s interesting to note, though, that if he hadn’t said anything, I would never have known how he felt. That was the first time he’d ever really expressed a desire that I do or change something. Now, twenty-odd years later, I still make more effort than I might otherwise do to keep the bathroom counter clear of stuff that doesn’t belong. I put away my things, the children’s things, and even his stuff, if it’s around. I like it clear too, but I care more about it because I know he does. So if something matters to you, tell her! But maybe not in a public setting.
Step 9: Date—and not just once a week
Ever heard of date night? A weekly date alone has been a common recommendation for couples. Couple should take turns planning a night out, even if it’s just a movie or a walk in the park. If she won’t take her turn, you should continue to plan every other week. At least you’ll get out together that often.
But a magical relationship goes beyond this. It’s searching out more ways to spend time with your spouse, just like you did (or should have done) when you first met. Seek opportunities to be with her. A walk around the block, a quick drive to the store, watching a movie or game, or just sitting awhile on the deck and chat. Get creative!
Your spouse may not always be able to go with you, especially at first. But just asking creates an atmosphere where your spouse understands that you want to be with her.
Step 10: Getting away together
Getting away together is important, and you should take an active role in planning private mini-vacations for the two of you each year. Yes, these will be shorter if you’re a young couple with a baby, and you may even have to take a nursing child once or twice, but mostly these should be alone!
There is no better time to get away than your anniversary. An anniversary is important and should be a celebration! Plan something special for just the two of you. No children or work allowed! Try not to be hurt if your wife doesn’t reciprocate planning these events the first time or two, especially if you haven’t been celebrating it regularly, but ideally, you’d take turns planning a special getaway. Looking back on my nearly thirty years of marriage, not getting away alone more often is one of the things I most regret.
Step 11: Readily show affection
This is probably the most single important thing for women. Women need to feel affection from the one they love—and a lot of it. Please understand this. It is not a want, it is a need. Every time you leave the house, or she gets up in the morning, or even as you sit and watch TV, let her feel your affection. Show her you love her. If you are getting up out of bed and don’t think to greet her first, especially if she’s right there in the bed next to you and awake, she’s going to feel that you don’t care. Even if you don’t mean anything by it.
For many years, when my husband left for work or came home, he’d give me a kiss and a hug. It wasn’t until he started working at home that I began to realize how much it meant to me—that moment of affection. It told me he loved me as much as I loved him. Now hours will go by each day before I see him, and I hate that, so most mornings I go find him to say hello. But I learned recently I haven’t been doing it right! For best effect, I need to kiss him long and with intensity to boost our hormones and increase our intimacy. In fact, experts say making that morning kiss last for two minutes can change your relationship for the better.
There are other less obvious ways to show affection. Recently, I was sitting behind a couple in church, both in their sixties, and I watched as the husband scooted closer to his wife, just to feel their arms touch. She soon leaned into him. Eventually he put his arm around her and his fingers gently caressed her bare arm where the sleeve ended. It was utterly sweet and romantic and spontaneous. You could feel the love springing from them.
The affection can be more obvious as well. A few weeks ago, I went to a girl’s camp for three nights. When the woman who was driving our carpool guided her car into her garage, her husband came running out of the house. Before she even got out of the car, he leaned inside the window and began kissing her. She knew—we all did!—that he missed her and was glad she was home.
Return her affection
Again, remembering that affection is a need, if your wife reaches out to you, your hands better not be in your pocket. You better not be focusing on something else. Stop what you are doing and hold her. If you’re in bed, turn over and cuddle her. Even if you are upset. Acknowledge that it took effort for her to reach out. Let her know that you value her touch and are excited she’s in your life.
If you don’t return the affection, for whatever reason, she’ll be dying inside. She’ll feel rejected and unwanted. Too many readers tell me they’d rather sleep in another room than with their husbands who they know will never reach out to them.
It’s hard on either spouse to continue to express affection when the other partner withholds affection. And you shouldn’t, not for any reason. Even if you’re tired, sad, anxious, or angry. Because most of the time, unless you’ve told her, she will have no idea why you’re upset. (Remember the mind reading?) If you need to be alone, that’s fine, but give her a hug and let her know that. Don’t leave her guessing.
More than one reader has expressed to me that she no longer wants any affection from her husband because the minute he’s angry or upset, usually at something she has no clue about until the blow-up, he will withhold affection. Meaning he won’t give her a hug or a kiss. He won’t return one if she tries to give him one. These women avoid the issue completely rather than risk rejection.
So the next time your wife reaches out to you, be ready to act! Put aside your hurt feelings or your attraction for whatever project you’re working on and focus on her. The next time you watch a movie, draw her close or gently rub her hand. Bump her hip or swirl her around the kitchen as you make dinner together. It’s moments like this that reassure your wife that she is still loved. And there is nothing more attractive to a woman than a man who is completely and totally in love with her.
Normally, affection will come naturally to most men who are in a good mood, but often the need men have for and to give affection is connected to sexual desire, so if your libido has diminished for whatever reason, there may be a physical reason for not remembering to reach out. But once you realize that, a little effort to remember to show affection will go a long way.
Step 12: Sexual intimacy
Sexual intimacy is also an important factor in a relationship and the most sensitive. Rarely do couples understand what they want much less what their spouse wants. And because their needs are so prevalent in their own minds, it’s hard for them to understand that their spouse has no clue what they’re thinking.
For women, there may be many years of childbearing and nursing that get in the way of intimacy, but as couples age, often the roles are reversed, especially when hormone counts are off. Regardless of what stage of life you’re in, open communication about both what your wife wants and what you want is vital. Remember, neither of you are mind readers. Couples who love each other must become vulnerable to each other to be able to communicate.
To remagic your marriage, couples need to have sex or something akin to sex. If you are not having sex, for whatever reason, you are cutting out one of the most precious and intimate parts of your coupleness. You don’t make love to your children, your parents, your boss, or the neighbors. Only with your wife. It is something uniquely between the two of you.
A lot has been written about men’s need for sex, but your wife needs it too! If you have noticed a decline in your libido, weight gain, mood swings, or trouble sleeping, chances are you are suffering from hormone imbalance. This causes all kinds of havoc in your relationship. Not only will you feel volatile and off-balance, your wife will feel rejected, unattractive, and unwanted. NY physician Dr. Marcus says that wanting must be present in the relationship and “if it’s not, that desire is almost irreplaceable.” Here is a good article about why couples are not having sex, why it is important, and what should be done about it.
There are satisfying alternates to sex that still promote sexual closeness. There are also simple and safe ways to increase libido, from exercise and diet to HCG and bioidentical hormones. This is vital because experts say that when couples aren’t having sex they “become vulnerable to anger, detachment, infidelity and, ultimately, divorce.”
Benefits of sex
Besides, sex in a marriage is fun! And there are numerous health benefits. In articles across the Internet, doctors and researchers agree that the benefits of sex are:
- Strengthens your relationship
- Releases happy hormones
- Make you look happy/younger
- Dulls all kinds of pain
- Improves sleep
- Prevents colds and flu
- Keep hormones in balance
- Lowers risk of heart attack
- Lowers risk of prostate cancer
- Lowers blood pressure
- Reduces anxiety and stress
- Increases sexual desire
- Increases immune function
- Improves fitness
- Improves bladder control for women
- Makes your brain work better
- Lowers risk in pregnancy
How much sex should a couple have?
Studies on sexuality say the average number of times couples make love is anywhere from 7 times a month (younger couples) and 2-3 times a month for older couples. One NBC news article says that the happiest couples are making love at least once a week. Couples who had more sex weren’t happier, but couples with less noted dissatisfaction. Less than ten times a year is considered a sexless marriage.
Basically, it’s up to each couple to decide what works for them. But not having sex isn’t usually an option for a happy, healthy couple. Even people in their seventies and eighties are perfectly able to have a healthy sex life. As couples age, they have to consider these things and make a plan of attack to maintain their sexual closeness.
Keep in mind that not working to fix intimacy issues will drive your partner to seek replacement fulfillment elsewhere instead of with you (even if that fulfillment is nonsexual). Because of this, many therapists recommend scheduling sex dates 1-3 times a week for couples who have fallen out of the habit, who don’t seem to have the time, or who have other issues. (See here, here, here, here, and here.) Some claim that scheduling actually leads to more intimacy and desire, so maybe you can give it a try. Here is also a respectable site with helps for couples with sexual issues.
Step 13: Let go of the past
Life happens and we all make mistakes. Just like how new parents make mistakes for the first ten . . . aw, who’s kidding . . . twenty or thirty years of our kids’ lives, we all made mistakes as younger couples. We all still make mistakes. But we can free ourselves from the perceptions of the past and decide what to make of our relationships now. Couples change drastically over decades of marriage. Aside from learning what not to do, it really doesn’t matter what went on in the past because you can’t change that. But letting go of old hurts means you can focus on strengthening your relationship now and create moments of intense joy.
Final words
I told you it wouldn’t be easy, but it is possible! Basically, the key to marital happiness is kindness, consideration, affection, and intimacy. If you get rid of any one of these, you are heading for stormy waters. Both partners must want to make it work, but trying these steps alone for a time, and then sharing them with your wife is the best way to gage whether or not she is willing to fall in love with you again.
Good luck!
Please let me know below what special things your significant other does that make you fall in love with him/her all over again.
Akinsola Oluwatosin
Good morning to you!
I’m so happy to have come across your post… Please i really need your help because I’ve not been doing well due to the issue I’m going through with my girlfriend…
I love her so much and i know and 100% sure that she does loves me back in return because i always read her facial expression and i do see the love in her eyes but i messed the whole things up by my consistent ways of trying to correct her over some certain things and she said i do complain a lot which I’m also aware of… Now she’s told me to leave her alone several times because of the way i do complain but I’ve pleaded to her in all possible ways that i know. Now she said she has forgiven me and that we should continue our relationship but i noticed she has changed a lot towards me. There’s no intimacy between us anymore, no good communication and when i try to talk to her in a long conversation so that the relationship could come back to how it was before, she’s always pushing me away, i’m being restricted to know some certain things about her and she stopped caring and stop showing me love just like she used to before when we first started our relationship. I have cried countless times because i knew and realized my mistakes and I’ve promised her that I’ll do anything to change my ways for her and that I’ll never hurt her anymore and sincerely this time around, i really meant all my promises to her but i don’t seems to want to understand her anymore and its just as if she doesn’t trust or believes in me or anything i say anymore… She’s really pushing me away and not returning the energy I’m always giving her… please i really missed her so much, she is the joy of my life and the only woman i ever love and still loved very much even more than before… I can’t do without her and i’m always getting hurt each time she ignores and avoid me. I’m just too emotional and her absence in my life is really affecting me physically, emotionally and psychologically…
I’ve tried all my possible best to make this relationship work again but I’ve not been seeing any change of her being herself again in my life and in this relationship. Please help me out on what to do so as to be able to win her back into my life completely… I love and miss her so much and just so lonely and incomplete as days goes by…
Please help me on what and what to do
Teyla Rachel Branton
Hi there. That’s a tough situation. I believe that criticism and complaining don’t belong in a relationship unless the person being criticized has given permission for the critique. That means you can point out annoying things your girlfriend does, but only if you ask permission to share some concerns at a time of her choosing and do so in a kind way. And then you must drop it after and let her decide if it’s a valid complaint. Being nitpicked or criticized on a daily basis kills love faster than almost anything. If she is pushing you away, then it’s possible she feels abused by your treatment. I recommend following the initial steps in the my article to woo her back. Work on changing your attitude because you won’t change her. Only she can change herself. For her to trust you again, you’ll have to prove yourself over months, not days because of the deep rift in her heart. Find positive things to say about her every day, and mean what you say. Put her first. And most of all be patient. The rift between you didn’t happen overnight. It’s been building, and you’ll have to take down the blocks one at a time. I’d go see a counselor if you can. It could help. Good luck!
Luis
Thanks for the reply. I am currently going through a similar thing with my wife. I think over time of shutting down some of her ideas because I was too worried about money and didn’t take the time to get interest in some of the things she loves like traveling, I slowly made her feel neglected and she lost the spark with me. I never noticed it because I was focused on doing other things for her that I got lost in it all. Now after a week of tough conversations and me realizing the mistakes I made, we will be trying to fix our marriage. But it is going to be like we are dating again and I will need to put in the work for her to fall in love with me again.
Teyla Rachel Branton
Sound like you are doing the work, and that is the first step. Good luck to both of you!
Donavin
Me and my gf has had problems she broke up with me because I have made many mistakes and she got tired of it but I’m changing all the means that make her upset she likes to hold onto the past what do I do to show her that I’m going to be real in this relationship
Teyla Rachel Branton
Just start today to do the steps outlined in the article. It will take a few weeks before you notice a difference, but you need to keep up the effort. It’s worth it!
Scott
We have been married for 12+ years and about recently she told me she had no feelings for me. We have 2 children(10&8) and all 3 of them mean the world to me. I am trying to get her love back but it is very trying. What should i do?
Teyla Rachel Branton
You can start by wooing her all over again with the steps in this article. It will NOT be an overnight fix. You might also ask her if she will give it a little more time because you won’t be able to force her to stay If she isn’t willing. However, once this kind of talk begins, it is likely that it’s something that has been coming on for a while. which means she might not believe there is any way to save the relationship AND be happy. Be open and honest and tell her how you feel—that you would like to make the relationship good for both of you. You can still work on the steps in this article even if she pushes for a separation. But she might be willing to do the steps with you. Whatever happens, you both need to support each other and make sure the children aren’t caught in the middle. And be kind. Always, always be kind, so you don’t have more words to regret. Finally, the hard truth is that marriage is always a two-way effort, and both parties have to come to the point that they WANT to save the marriage. With your attention, she may decided to try again, but it will take daily effort over several months. I’m sorry you are hurting. I hope you are able to work things out!
Precious
I’m in love with a lady but she said shes married what do I say to win her heart
Teyla Rachel Branton
Unfortunately, there is nothing you can or should do. Marriage is sacred, and you need to focus on someone else who is free to return your attentions.
Algent
My broke up with me
Teyla Rachel Branton
I’m so sorry!
Jake
My situation isn’t a marriage. It is a relationship that was started too soon after both of us got divorces. We still had healing to do. We ended up moving in together and after that she said she isn’t ready for a relationship. I know I love her and want to be with her. She feels I’ve been pushing for the relationship. I’ve tried to back off but it isn’t easy. We are still living together. Not in the same bedroom. I’m giving her space and we’ll have great moments, but then I make a comment that states I want it back and she gets upset. I know she is in love with me and it is fear that makes her feel and say that I deserve someone better. Just trying to give her time and be her friend. Not sure how to keep from telling her how I feel about her. I’m not a younger guy. I’ve been in love and this love is the strongest love I’ve ever felt. My love isn’t changed when she has bad days and tries to push me away. I’ve read other articles and I’ve done alot of healing from my previous marriage. Any words of advice?
Teyla Rachel Branton
Sounds like a tough situation. I’m sorry you are going through this. Working on trust might help. Build on your friendship and focus on creating moments that increase her confidence in you and in herself. Help her accomplish personal goals or complete things she’s always wanted to do. I’m not talking about paying for these things, but encouraging her to reach/work for what she wants. There is a lot to be said for working and achieving things for yourself. It builds confidence. For how long should you do this? I really don’t know, but if there isn’t progress after six months or so, I would definitely consider taking a hard look at what she really does want from you. Her motives may not be the same as yours (to create a loving relationship). If she wants to heal and enter your relationship fully, then as you continue the loving steps in this article, she should begin to respond in kind. If she doesn’t, you will need to reevaluated your needs. Because sometimes rebound relationship can work into more, but sometimes people hold onto them only because they feel so alone. You need to get beyond that hurt. So basically, start over. Woo her all over again. Go out on dates, have fun, don’t bring up the past. Go forward and see if you can both fall more deeply and truly in love. Good luck. Love to hear what happens!
Jake
Thank you for your reply. We actually went on a small hike today and had a much needed talk on the way back. I’m realizing alot of things I need to work out for myself too.
Teyla Rachel Branton
Good to hear that you are talking! Improving ourselves always helps our healthy relationships, so it’s a great direction. Best to you both!
fitoru
This is one lovely read! I appreciate your post. More power to you!
Tyshawn Wilson
Hey my girl just recently told me that I’m everything she ever wanted, but doesn’t think I am the one for her. I’m so confused, can you give me some advice
Teyla Rachel Branton
That is a difficult situation. It sounds to me she’s putting you in the friend zone. I’d definitely try to focus on the steps in my article to bring the romance back into your relationship. After you’ve tried hard for four weeks, you can bring it up again and ask her what she’s looking for in a permanent relationship. Hopefully by then she’ll be more clear about what she feels. Because if you’re everything she’s ever want, then maybe she feels she’s changing. My advice is don’t give up, don’t push, follow the steps in my article. Things will either improve drastically or you’ll understand why they aren’t.
fitoru
WOW! thanks for sharing your insights about this discussion. It is great to be informed
Stephen
I’ve hurt my wife by asking for a divorce which I said in heat of the moment but regret it every second as I still love and care for her
She’s the mother of our 2 gorgeous children being away from her kills me only strength I get is my 2 kids or I’d just want to curl up in a ball and not wake up
I know there’s a guy who she likes but how can I compete when I’ve hurt her
Teyla Rachel Branton
That’s a tough thing to come back from, and there is nothing you can do except try to follow the above steps and try to win back her trust. BOTH people have to want to make it work, and you can show her you do by being kind, making something of yourself, and showing her you can be trusted. Kindness and support is key. You can try to tell her you’re sorry and that you intend to prove it to her, but don’t expect it to happen overnight. Patience is key. Good luck!
Olegna
I am married for 10 years. My wife suddenly decided to stay away from me saying she is no longer in love with me. I am still madly involve with my wife and i am not able to process this situation.
I tried talking to her but she has made up with her mind. We are still together in one roof as we can not afford to move out specially with 2 daughters.
I want to give her space but i am struggling as i have devoted all for her. I lost ability to rest and sleep properly. I always end up walking out in the middle of the night to tire myself out as i want to hug and kiss her every time but the pain i feel when she looks at me with disgust and disappointment is too much.
I do not know what to do. It is up to a point i want to just kill myself.
Teyla Rachel Branton
Have you tried counselling? As I’ve told others here, you cannot force her if she’s made up her mind, but you can treat her with love and respect, even throughout this decision process. Look at my article again and see what you think you can do, and what she will let you do. Things can change in an instant, so give it at least six months of trying hard before making any decisions. Meanwhile, you need to find a way to sleep. Get in shape, spend time with your daughters, and find healthy hobbies that make you happy. If you can include her, more the better. Old habits take time to break and proving that things really will be better won’t happen overnight. Good luck!
Teyla Rachel Branton
And even if she won’t go to counselling with you, you should go alone, especially if you feel suicidal. Remember you have two daughters to think about. Get some help ASAP. A could counselor can help you find your way.
Brady b
Ok so I ain’t married yet just engaged but I feel like my future wife is fallen out of love with me idk what to do I know she don’t think I give her enough attention cuz of work all time I work she doesn’t she want to move to west Texas so she can get a office job on pipe line make 1500 a week I have no idea about any kind of job option doen there but we’d still be making more a month on income I make 609 now
Teyla Rachel Branton
Follow the steps in my article and give it at least six months of trying hard before you make any decisions. Also, you need to talk openly with her about what she wants for the future, and share where you see yourself in ten years. That will give you some idea of the challenges you are facing.
Stacy
My wife and I been married 10 years. Just celebrated our anniv. It’s been a challenging few years and after a difficult conversation 2 weeks ago, she just decided “ I’m done. Can’t do this. Can’t go any further.” I did sense something was up and tried to address it a few months back. She insisted she was fine but deep down, I knew something was up. We definitely have had many life situations that has made it extremely hard but I don’t see life w/o her. Have apologized, trying to rectify old behaviors, acknowledged my part, offered to get counseling but she’s pretty locked down. What do I do? I asked her to give her decision some space but I feel scared. Want to make it right but don’t know how…
Teyla Rachel Branton
It may help if she’ll go to counselling with you. You cannot force her if she’s made up her mind, but you can treat her with love and respect, even throughout the problems. Things can change in an instant, so give it at least six months of trying hard before making any decisions. Meanwhile, take care of yourself. Get some sleep, start exercising, and find healthy hobbies that make you happy. It will take time to show that you are committed to making things different/better. Good luck!
Tanner
My girlfriend and I have been dating for a few and she’s starting to think we would be better as friends and that we hang out and act like friends. She is still willing to put in effort to fix us but what do I do how do I prove we can have a good relationship?
Teyla Rachel Branton
Have you been trying to do the things in my post? If done regularly, they should create feeling of romance between you. Often relationships fall into patterns that some may think means only friendship, but for a lasting romance, friendship is the best base to build on. Try to do the little things. They make a huge difference.
Byron
So my fiancé of a year, currently broke up with me. She’d told me that she wasn’t happy due to our problems. With her saying that I knew for a fact I was the one causing the problems. I’d often pin my hurt from past relationships in her & obligate her to fix what other’s had broken. She told me that I needed to work on myself before being in a relationship with her. I chose to invite her to a sit down to talk about why I’d acted the way I did & why I would often sabotage my own happiness. She’s willing to give me another chance to show her that I’ve changed & I understand that I was wrong. My only thing is I don’t know how to show her I’ve changed in due time other than saying it. How can I show her that I understand where I ruined us & that I want to be with her?
Teyla Rachel Branton
The biggest thing here is to let go of the past. Forgive yourself and don’t read anything into her emotions except what she tells you. By this, I mean, don’t assume. And don’t expect her work overtime to prove herself to you (and to blot out past insecurities). It’s really best to have a sit-down every week, say on a Sunday, and ask if there’s anything you think you can both work on. Get everything out in the open. But she’d have to be open to that, and some people aren’t (men usually aren’t and women are, but not always). And then follow the steps here on a regular basis to keep your love alive.
If you ever find yourself slipping back into the old patterns of hurts, stop and remind yourself that she is not your past but your future. And that you are an independent, interesting person with goals that are yours alone. Just as she is. You are here to help each other on the journey to happiness, not to be everything to each other at all times. Find things to laugh about. Be quick to forget and slow to find fault. Be really slow to jump to conclusions. Show love every day. And did I say laugh? It bears mentioning again. So what if the dinner burns or you break a glass? So what if the neighbor backs into the car? So what if something she said hurt your feelings (even though you know she didn’t mean to). Look for the good. Forgive easily. Don’t try to make things even. Being “even” has no place in a relationship. It’s only important that each partner does their best. Practice finding the silver lining every day. As you become more positive and confident, that will spill over to your relationship.
I find it helps to print up a reminder and post it in my workspace where I can see it every day. I use a single word where each letter stands for another word or series of words that represents what I’m working on or what I want to remember. (Example: KIDS=Kindness, Independent, Dream big, Say I love you every day. Or PATH=Patience, Act now, Tolerance and forgiveness, Helpful. Just write down words that mean something to you and try to make a word from their first letters.) My word reminds me to be the person I want to be and to let go of expectations that don’t matter. It won’t be easy, but you’re on the right path. Good luck!
Byron
I’ve read your response NUMEROUS times! Thank you so much & I’ve started the journey of reaching out to her today & she’d accepted. I honestly am fine with her wanting to be friends for the time being because I’ve actually been able to find love & confidence in myself. I’m content & I’m also more comfortable with myself & my mental status.
Teyla Rachel Branton
I’m glad. I hope things go well for you!
Eddward
She is not my wife yet. But reading this has helped me. We have been dating for a a little over a year. She has 3kids at home and I have 1 at home and 2 that live with their mom. Shortly after moving in together she started a new career and switched to nights. During the time before the switch everything was awesome. After the switch I took on more of the family and home responsibility. She has made many suggestions that we are not having enough sex or I am not paying enough attention to her. I was tired and wore out from taking care of everything else. One weekend she didn’t come home. The kids and I panicked and I made changes in my life to accommodate her needs. Before we was together I had a friend down from Ohio. She ended up leaving a pair of panties at my house. My mother moved in my apartment during some hard times. Soon after mom moved in I met my girlfriend. Apparently my mother stumbled upon said panties and put them in with my girlfriends things. We move in together and almost a year later she finds said panties. Now she is accusing me of cheating on her. I have never done this and never would. I was in a horrible marriage of 11 years with a cheating wife. The damage is still there. She says she loves me but isn’t in love with me. We have talked about this and have fixed all the issues prior to her finding the panties. She says she wants what we had in the beginning back. She wants us to be happy again. I have stopped bringing up the panties issue. Is this the right thing to do? How do I convince her that I never cheated on her? I am doing all the steps you have outlined in the article. She acts like she wants us back to the way we were but can’t get over the panties issue. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks
Eddward
Teyla Rachel Branton
I think if she has asked you to stop bringing it up, then you do. And just hold on. Keep on showing her how much you care. Even if she says she wants what you had before, sometimes it will take months to repair damage from the past. If you keep trying, it will show her you can be trusted. As long as she is willing to try as well. It isn’t about who is trying more, though, it’s about both partners doing what they can on any given day. All relationships have ups and downs. Try not to read too much into a bad day. Just try again the next day. Do something nice every day, if possible, even when you don’t want to. Try to find joy in those things, and see how it goes in a few months. Good luck!
Teyla Rachel Branton
I’m sorry for your situation. Unfortunately, getting someone else to read and act on anything often isn’t possible, especially if there are years of issues. We can only change ourselves and our behavior, and wait to see if that is enough to regain trust. Trust isn’t something that can be regained quickly, and sometimes, if the hurts are too deep, a return to a romantic relationship isn’t possible. Both people have to be willing to try to rekindle a relationship, so right now the only choice you have it to work on your own actions and see if you can improve the relationship. This isn’t a guarantee, of course. And after a few more years, if your wife still doesn’t see a possibility for your relationship, then you’ll have some hard decisions to make. Good luck.
Todd
Excellent info! How could I get my bride to Read
and heed!!?
I am married to my love 20 years, 4 children
Career 15 years law enforcement, 25 years military and currently LCSW rural Nevada
diagnosed 4 time ADHD, have pre-occupied/disorganized attachment; my wife is more dismissive/disorganized
She has said recently, she knows I am an emotional abuser, she is done with me, because I will never change. I have effectively destroyed all trust she has. She is unwilling to read ANY resource I present. She believes she is well regulated and I am the one to change.
Being a therapist I have much information to show WHAT we could do different/better, yet she is unwilling to look into, let alone apply, since I am the issue, she is well regulated as she explained to me.
She is committed to staying married and raising our children together, basically roommate. She wont even let me see her (4weeks and counting) she changes in the other room. Affection is tolerated when I touch, but only allowed to a very small way.
This is my primary love language (touch).
I don’t know what to do, I am trying to do on my own, without ANY support.
Matt
I’ve been with my wife now 17 years and I’m 39 so we have been together most of my adult life the past few years have been bad I have betrayed her trust by relapsed on benzos I am clean now and she is giving me another chance but I feel I will never get her trust back right now we are not having sex not even kissing and at the moment it is all most impossible for me to find somewhere to go and we also have 2 kids a boy that’s 9 and a girl that is 5 so that’s hard also I just don’t know if I’m spinning my wheels or should I no matter what it takes give her some space what should I do and at the moment I do not have a license so I’d I end up in jail it’s gonna be bad for everyone so for now I’m just liveing at my our place together all most like roommates and it’s killing me because I want her so bad in every way possible not just sex I want to tell her how much I love her just hold her anything I’m so much still in love with her it hurts I’m sorry I just don’t know what to do it’s a really twisted situation please give me some imput
Teyla Rachel Branton
The advice I have for you is to be patient. It takes months or years to gain back trust that is so severely lost. This isn’t about sex, it’s about trust. She will not want to be close to you physically if she can’t trust you emotionally. So be kind, do small favors, and don’t push. Don’t expect miracles overnight. Work hard to support your family, help out at home. If that requires you being roommates for a time, that’s okay. Passion can flare again, but only once trust is assured. So be patient. Not being intimate won’t kill you but being impatient could destroy your marriage. So do what you can to follow the other things on this list. Keep a journal and record the good things that happen. Then in a year, look at the journal and see how far you’ve come. You can do this. You MUST do this for your family. Good luck. Be strong!
Shawna
My wife of 3 years up and decided she needs a separation/divorce. I did all of these things. I paid attention to her, ran her baths, sent her flowers, showed affection. She did not. My downfall is I would lie about stupid things like paying a bill when infact I hadn’t paid it in full. I was ashamed to ask for help with it, then I was able to catch up the next month. My heart hurts. Feels like it is ripping in two. She wants space wants me to leave her alone but I dont want any of this. I want to show her I have changed. There are no more lies. I’m so lost. She says I’m pushing her away by not leaving her alone. I dont know what to do
Teyla Rachel Branton
I am so sorry this is happening to you. Unfortunately, it takes two people to want to make things work. At this point, you may need to give her the space she needs. That might help you both see the relationship from a new perspective. Whatever you do, continue to address her with respect and be kind. That will go a long way to preserving a chance of a future relationship.
Phil
My wife of 11yrs has told me it’s over as she loves me but only as a friend. She won’t do counselling or anything as she says nothing will change her mind. Now I’m a firm believer in trying hard & I have been to win her heart back but I keep getting rejected
We’ve had a difficult few years as I was diagnosed with usher syndrome but she assures me that’s not the reason.
Please help as I believe we have something special and worth saving. I’m getting desperate now as she wants to tell our children next weekend
Teyla Rachel Branton
I’m so sorry to hear this, Phil. I wish I had a magic answer. If she isn’t willing to make an effort to rekindle what you once had, the only choice you may have for the time being is to support her decision. Refusing to address her feelings and wishes will only alienate her further. If this is all a recent development, you could try asking for a few months of time and then try the above steps in my article. Or if you’ve already been trying for a few months, you might try asking for a trial separation during which you might date once a week for two hours, just to do something fun alone together. Maybe that might spark something. But be aware that many people, once they say they are ready to walk away, usually believe that nothing will change, and often they’ve felt that way for 3-5 or more years. Even if you are sincere about changing the relationship so you can become closer, that might not seem doable to her right now. It doesn’t mean you or she are bad people. Supporting each other separately, and making sure the children aren’t caught in the middle will go a long way to bolstering your friendship, and with the space, the periodic dates may be good for both of you to see where you stand and what you want in the future. Separation doesn’t mean never seeing her again. I’ve known couples who have been separated a year who eventually reconciled, but that doesn’t usually happen if a marriage ends with huge fights and hurtful words. Always maintain your cool and be kind, so you don’t have more words to regret. Finally, the bottom line is that marriage is always a two-way effort. There are ups and downs and ebbs and flows. You should earnestly write her a letter and tell her why you don’t want it to end. You can plead but don’t attempt to force. That doesn’t mean you have to stop trying. Begin today to be as kind as you can. I know that’s hard when your heart is hurting. Best of luck to you.
Nathan
My wife sent me this when I asked did I do something after I woke up an found out she slept on the sofa a little last night. I don’t know what I did and don’t have anyone to talk to about it.
Teyla Rachel Branton
You mean she sent you the link to my post? If so, sounds like she’s needing a little more attention. Maybe you can start doing a few things on this list and see if you can open a dialogue. It does sound likes she wants to make it work, so give it a try. You don’t need to be perfect, she just needs to feel you love, value, cherish, and are attracted to her. You don’t need to be perfect! A little goes a long way toward the beginning of bringing back the magic. Choose one thing on this list and do it today, then do it again tomorrow along with something else. Don’t delay!